


Gut Feeling

by citrusella



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: (not sure it quite rises to full on PTSD), Episode: s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, Gen, Psychological Trauma, Steven Universe: The Movie, Steven is uncomfy about his gem removal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 00:20:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21329107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citrusella/pseuds/citrusella
Summary: Every time, he has to push his brain off that train of thought--what if she does it again?--but for someone with super-strength, he's surprisingly not very good at pushing.
Relationships: Steven Universe & White Diamond
Comments: 3
Kudos: 88
Collections: "Finish Your WIPs or Be Forced to Post Them Unfinished" Month: A NaNoWriMo Alternative





	Gut Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Title was picked on a whim (you might even say it was a _gut feeling?_ *insert pun face from Together Breakfast here*). Complete rewrite of something I did in January, rebuilt almost entirely from the ground up to accommodate five seconds at the end of the movie.
> 
> I have my qualms about the result of the rewrite but meh.

Her finger touches his gem through his shirt, merely a consequence of her reaching to point at him, and though it's been long enough—two whole years— that he doesn't _outwardly_ react as easily anymore, the thoughts still come, faster than he can stop them, faster than he can take them, faster than he can do anything but let them pass, _if_ they do, in fact, pass.

If anything, they're _worse_ now, because White is more affectionate toward him, showing more closeness than she'd ever seemed capable of before. More than once she's taken him into her hand, picked him up gingerly, almost innocently, as if she doesn't _know_, and

oh geez oh geez he's in her hand again and her fingers are right there and what if it happens again he doesn't want to _ever_ feel like he did and what if he can't go back together and

…Those times, he has to fight to keep it from showing on his face. He wants to tell her, to just open up and come clean and all that, but he can't seem to find himself getting any further than an "I'm not sure about this" or an excuse or a quick goodbye, because she's fine _now_, loving _now_, but what if he's direct with her about it and that all changes and she does it again and it's on purpose and

Breathe.

The first time, he couldn't stop it before it came out, in his face, in his muscles, tense, frozen, fearful, and he remembers every nuance of the look on her face, the confusion, the worry… the… offense.

If he can avoid letting _that_ happen again, he is satisfied.

He went over to Jeff's house with Connie once back when the feelings were new, because Connie had mentioned offhand that Jeff's mom was a psychologist—he'd had only the vaguest sense of what a psychologist was from _Under the Knife_, but he thought, maybe—

Jeff's mom had been happy to meet him when she arrived home an hour into the three tweens' hangout, and she was fine talking to him, briefly…

…and that was how he'd ended up in her office on the weekly.

For six months. Straight. And another year on and off.

He wonders if he should have Dad book another appointment once things settle down in Beach City. He's done that every time he's needed to spend more than a few days around the Diamonds, but most particularly White.

There is no way they can live with him. He spits out an excuse about the size of his house and hopes that's enough, because though it's true, that's not _really_ the reason, and in the exchange, he almost forgets Spinel is there—

Spinel.

He doesn't know where his mouth gets the idea of reintroducing her to Diamonds, but it's certainly not from his brain, not when it's still trying to calm down from the tiny-huge should-have-been-innocuous gesture from his not-grandma. He finds himself trying to rationalize it.

Maybe this is what she needs? Still, he can't help but feel like it's shoving her into the belly of the beast; his mind won't quit considering the possibility that what happened to him will happen to—

No, he knows that she's not him, and he's not her. She's not even half-human, so even if it _did_ happen, at worst she'd poof, which isn't the best feeling (he assumes) but certainly isn't on the level of feeling half-unfused, half-shattered.

They sing a song and then they're gone before he's quite processed what has happened.

…Man, is he gonna have a lot to unload on Dr. Brooks.

**Author's Note:**

> Dr. Brooks/Jeff's mom is taken from a character originally by [CoreyWW's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) [The Connie Maheswaran Fanclub](https://archiveofourown.org/series/590323) fic/series


End file.
